Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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