2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
