1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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