i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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