Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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