How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
