Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
