i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
