The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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