I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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