Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
