I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
