He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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