I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
