sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
