Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
