I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
