OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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