win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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