don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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