The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
