I just pynch a tree in the face
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Is it because I queefed?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
