I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
