I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
