Are we in a gay sports bar?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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