Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just cropdusted the office
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
