yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she looked like the before picture.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
