saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
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they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
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You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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