the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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