I just cut my nipple shaving
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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