one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
