Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
