in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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