your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
