he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
