Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
