i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
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My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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