After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
