The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
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