yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
