I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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