Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
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