Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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