he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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