guys are only as good as the porn they watch
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
