i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
