im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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