I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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