i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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