Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
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Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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