Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
