oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
