I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
