believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
