my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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