So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
