I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
