I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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