so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Randomize
