I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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