I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
